25 Ways to Communicate Respect (A Parody)
*I don’t usually like to use much profanity. If I use it, I prefer to add it sparingly, as a light seasoning. However, ideas in the article I am parodying were so offensive to me, the only way I could capture that was to use some rather explicit language. In other words, if I offend you with it, good. That’s exactly what I am trying to acheive.*
Actions speak louder than words. You can say you respect your husband, but he’ll have a hard time believing that unless your behavior backs it up.
What does respectful living look like? Here are 25 ways you can communicate respect to your spouse without uttering a word. If you’ll make it your habit to do these things, the next time you tell your husband how much you respect him, he won’t have to wonder if you really mean it.
1. Choose Joy
It’s true: A happy wife makes a happy life. GOD FORBID you should have any other emotions, and if you do, they’re YOUR PROBLEM. Your man has enough to worry about without having to deal with your MOODS, which you only have to manipulate him anyway.
2. Honor His Wishes
What’s that? You think your opinion matters? Pshaw. You’re just a silly woman. If he wants dinner on the table, IT HAD BETTER BE THERE. If he wants a tidy house, MAKE THAT MOTHERFUCKER SPARKLE. Don’t make him ask twice, UNLESS YOU WANT A BLACK EYE. (Philippians 2:4)
3. Give Him Your Undivided Attention
LISTEN THE FUCK UP. Yes, I know that women are masters of multi-tasking, but when a man is speaking, PUT DOWN THAT BOOK, TURN OFF THE COMPUTER AND…wait a minute, why are you reading this, WHY AREN’T YOU FOCUSING ON YOUR HUSBAND, YOU FLIGHTY WHORE?
4. Don’t Interrupt
SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE.
5. Emphasize His Good Points
OF COURSE, he’s not perfect. That doesn’t mean you have to rub his nose in it every day. If your husband is a complete bastard, maybe it’s because you’re a STUPID BITCH. Remember, he has to put up with your bullshit EVERY DAY, the least you can do is cut him some slack when he leaves his dirty underwear on the floor. JESUS H. CHRIST, DON’T MAKE ME QUOTE THE BIBLE.
6. Pray for Him
Okay, okay. Maybe he is a complete bastard. But don’t worry about making him change. Let GOD handle that shit. Pray every night for him to mend his ways. Yeah… that’ll help.
7. Don’t Nag
DID YOU MISS THE PART WHERE I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE?? SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU GAVE UP THE RIGHT TO AN OPINION THE MINUTE YOU TOLD HIM TO “PUT A RING ON IT.”
8. Be Thankful
Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Remember, your entire existence up until your wedding day was to bag a husband, so be grateful you aren’t some bitter old maid. Be thankful you found someone to put up with your shit, because you are a horrible person who BLEEDS MONTHLY, MAKES VAGINA BABIES and should be ashamed of your disgusting BODILY ODOUR.
9. Smile at Him
Smiles spread happiness. Smiles are contagious. And a smile makes any woman more beautiful. If you aren’t smiling, you might as well be screaming that you don’t deserve love. IT IS YOUR DUTY TO BE SEEN AND TO BE EXPERIENCED BY MEN. If you’re not smiling, you’re not doing your fucking job.
10. Respond Physically
Did you know your consent isn’t necessary for your husband to experience pleasure? Don’t slap him away when he tries to hug you or make excuses when he’s in the mood, that’s only going to make him angry, and you really don’t want to see him angry. To prevent your husband turning into a RAPE HULK, fake it. Otherwise, make sure you have plenty of concealer to cover up the bruises when you go to the vagina doctor.
11. Eyes Only for Him
WHAT THE FUCK. DO I EVEN NEED TO MENTION THIS, YOU GREEDY WHORE?
12. Kiss Him Goodbye
I once read about a study done in Germany which found that men whose wives kissed them goodbye every morning were more successful than those who weren’t kissed. And we all know Germans know a thing or two about romance. So yeah. Maybe evolution shouldn’t be taught in schools, but I’ll happily use science to back up my bronze age ideas about what makes a good wife.
13. Prepare His Favorite Foods
Again, your existence is solely to please your husband. The success of your marriage completely depends on your ability to cook his foods and completely subvert your own needs to his. Not enough time to make chicken parmesan? Maybe you should reschedule that doctor’s appointment.
14. Cherish Togetherness
Don’t let that motherfucker leave your sight. We all know men will immediately forget about a woman if she isn’t in his sightline, so follow him around like a hemmorroid.
15. Don’t Complain
JESUS H. CHRIST, I THOUGHT WE COVERED THIS. SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. WOMAN.
16. Resist the Urge to Correct
So what if he took the wrong exit? He’ll figure it out on his own. You shouldn’t worry about it. You’re just a woman!
17. Dress to Please Him
Take care of your appearance. Eat a healthy diet and wear flattering clothes. Your existence is to please your husband, but also to make him look good by association.
18. Keep the House Tidy
As if I even need to mention this. A man’s home is his castle. A castle has servants to keep it clean and orderly. And by servants, I mean you.
19. Be Content
So, your husband may not have the best job. Maybe he doesn’t always take the trash out when he’s asked. But it’s your job to make do. AND DON’T BE A WHINY BITCH.
20. Take His Advice
In other words, DO WHAT HE SAYS OR ELSE.
21. Admire Him
Don’t just flatter him. He can tell the difference. You have to actually BELIEVE you are scum compared to him. Then you might have a start.
22. Protect His Name
Whatever happens in your house, stays there. If he’s hitting you, that’s your problem. Don’t you DARE tell anyone, because you’ll hurt his reputation and then what will people think of YOU? After all, you MARRIED HIM.
23. Forgive His Shortcomings
Okay, maybe I covered this before, but a list of 25 things sounded better to me than 24. So, blah blah blah. Your husband is imperfect, but that’s not his fault. Maybe it’s yours. Maybe you should just forgive him and remember, if it weren’t for him, you’d probably be alone or dead. Or both. At least you aren’t one of those oppressed Muslim women, right?
24. Don’t Argue
You are not always right, and you do not always have to have the last word. In fact, you don’t even get the first word. Or any word. For the last fucking time: SHUTTHEFUCKUP.
25. Follow His Lead
You know that voice inside your head? The one that tells you right from wrong, or what you should do at any given time? Yeah, you don’t need that anymore. THANK FUCKING GOD! You never have to think again, because your husband will do all the thinking for you. Isn’t that liberating? All those women who think they’re liberated because they believe in their ‘individuality’ and ‘independence’ don’t know what they’re missing.